ARE YOU A "BRAINFUCKER"?

I know--such a nasty term, but what I mean is, do you think things to death? Do you already have a vision of the "end" in sight before you even know the facts of the situation? Well, I do.

Yup.I will take something from it's incredibly feel good moment and within five hours, I have the whole scenario of how it's going to end in my head. Not only do I have the end in my mind? I weep for the sadness of it all.

CASE IN POINT:

I said previously that I am seeing someone, and, I am...I think..(that answers a lot of questions already, right?)

Here are the facts my someday avid "reader"..About five months ago, I met a man in the city..San Francisco. He was persistent and English--two of my top ten criteria. Now..what's funny is that I had announced to my girlfriend when she picked me, "Know what? Tonight, I'm gettin' laid". Well! She just hooted. "Are ya' now?" "Yup" I said--It's been long enough.

Did I imagine for a heartbeat I would? Nope? Had this man not insinuated himself in my space, I'd have gone home and in the morning remembered I had said, "Know what? Tonight I'm gettin' laid"...and my friend and I would have laughed and laughed...but there he was. The bluest eyes I'd ever seen...and hair like carpet..the kind of carpet you understand your dog wanting to scoot his ass on...thick and dense. And then he spoke. (sigh) I was done. I don't know why British men do it for me. Every time I'm there, I never get hit on--so reserved..but here in the states, I've dated 8. I don't know why. It's not like I'm out there with a sandwich sign "WILL STRIP FOR BRITISH ACCENT"--although I have heard of an underground support group. I don't need support-I don't want to quit.

The man brought all the guns out--compliments..drinks...dancing..I have to tell you about the dancing--I CANNOT dance with men..I'm so incredibly self-conscious. This man took me on the floor and we moved as though we had been together forever--how damned romantic is that---but, as usual, I digress.

The short of it is, after what seemed hours but was probably 15 minutes..I whispered to him, "Take me outside, back me against a wall and kiss me"

Poor baby didn't know whether shit or wind his watch. He blustered a moment and in his very reserved English accent--'Excuse me?"

Soooo...I took him by the lapels, leaned in so seductively close to his ear and I repeated, "Take me outside, back me against a wall, and kiss me."

I didn't really give him a chance to think about it..I had him by the hand and in nano seconds, he had me against the wall of a Chagall gallery...arms pressed above my head...and he kissed me...Oh my God--he kissed me.

I went in, announced to my friends I was leaving and I'd see them in 4 days--(he'd asked me to spend 4 days with him in the city).

I wish I could adequately describe the looks on my friends' faces as I packed up to leave with this man, who by now, had felt he had just gotten a deal on a really good used car-(Big Chill). My girlfriend had him in the corner writing down his license number, taking his cards...called the hotel he said he was at to make sure he was there--called the number he gave her to make sure his mobile rang..(sigh)..I was blitzed.

(And for you people out there who are saying it was a mistake? Well, perhaps it was stupid--but man, did we have a grand time)

It was, in his words, "Quite intense"...we talked as though we had known one another for years. I won't go into all the wonderful things he said, but I will tell you two...

Firstly--he told me I reminded him of his old girlfriend but they couldn't be together because she was "crazy", ans, Secondly, he stopped me on the street, held my forearms and said, "Look, if I'm out of communication for a while, don't freak"

Without giving his name or much personal history, he owns a company which takes him to Australia, Far East, the states and he is continually on the go.

In late December--the 23rd to be exact, I got a text--a freaking text, telling me he and his old girlfriend had become serious and it is only fair I never contact him again. See, I didn't think about the non-communication, becausssssse, he said..blah, blah, blah

In January, thanks to a Facebook snafu--we got in contact again. I've not asked what happened..I've not asked what his motives are. What I did was agree to meet him in Chicago for 4 days. The tickets are bought, the reservation is made at The James. Here's the rub..I've not heard anything from him for six days.

Now..I've made my decision as to how to deal with this...but I want to know what you would do? How do you handle this type of situation. We've all been there--wringing our hands...what to do, what to do...

I'm out there learning to date, too, folks...maybe we can figure it out.

"CAVEAT EMPTOR"

Some months ago, I was a member of a very well known dating service and felt I was ripped off. Anyway, I had tried repeatedly to find some 800 number or even one that wasn't toll free, to cancel my membership to no avail. I decided to post a query on a "blog". The responses had little to do with phone numbers and much to do about dating and relationships in general with the emphasis of blame lying on the shoulders of this unmentioned very well known dating site.

Before imposing my opinions on you, let me say--I will never write but from empathy. I am a woman with far more years behind me than before me. I've been loved by men I didn't want and loved men I shouldn't have wanted. I've passed out business cards, winked, touched a forearm, tilted my head, played with my hair, slept with them on the first date, made them wait the obligatory three dates. I go out regularly, keep my head up, volunteer with charities, go to the theater, museums...blah, blah, BLAH!! In other words, I've put myself out there. I don't have all the answers--but I have a few.


Now, truth be told, I have been a member off and on of dating sites for at least 10 years. That was when the biggies were free and the practice was quite "taboo". Ironically, it was considered a far more dangerous practice than now. My reasons for joining were quite simple..I had lived in a loveless, sexless marriage for 15 of the 26 years we were married. I was lonely.


I worked in a city more than 2 hours from my home and traveled there 3 days every other week working 2 doubles and a single, then have 10 days off. (It was, in retrospect, the best thing I could have done for my kids' mental health and mine-another topic another time)


I did, indeed meet a man from the site I was on. The "set-up" was perfect. He was there...I was over here. I didn't need to introduce him to my children--there was no need to subject my children, still in high school, to their mother's "outside activities" unless I was in a "serious" relationship.


There's much more to be said about that relationship which lasted 10 years...the least of which my discovering he was married 4 months before I thought he and I were to be married--(clears throat)--but the point of this little ditty, is dating sites.


I joined dating sites for the dream. I wanted a Prince Charming. I was so lonely. The dating site didn't dupe me..I duped myself. I paid the price of admission and they marketed to my vulnerability. That's what they do. Just like cereals convice you eating more of their product will get you a thin waist--dating sites sell you the dream that if you just pay this little price..less than you spend on a night on the town--your very own soul mate may be waiting on the other side.

Look, I'm not trying to be glib. I want someone long term in my life--very much. I've a lot to offer. I've grown into a great human being. I know how tough it is to stay vulnerable when you build up such high hopes and then hit such disappointment. God knows I've been there. Will I try a dating site again? Perhaps. I am seeing someone now..someone I did indeed meet in the real world..and someone who sought me out. Will it last? Who knows..but, today, it feels great.

The bottom line with a dating site is "CAVEAT EMPTOR"!! All you're paying for is a list of potential clients. I don't have exact percentages--in fact, I've none from anyone with a title--but in my experience--3 out of ten seems to be a pretty good ratio of men who were truly were what they wrote. On the other hand..it's 3 out of ten...and you just need one, right?

Don't pay the price of admisssion without a reality check. If you're not meeting men/women in the "real" world..you're probably not going to meet them online. You can write anything you want, but in reality boys and girls, you are what you are. Take the money and invest in the stock..not the hype. Hell, in a short while, you'll make enough from the dividends to go to Jamaica...drink enough and you won't know if you're there alone or not...


Just one more query which I'm sure will stir the pot...In the "real world" when your un-guaranteed expectations are not met...who or what do you blame?

"B"